One Liners

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you’re naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It’s all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It’s all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The statement below is true. The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, fifteen last names.

I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, “Fred”.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

Don’t sweat the petty things. Don’t pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.