Only in America
Only in America….. do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America….. do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America….. do banks leave both doors open and […]
EVER WONDER?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, […]
Crabs
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave […]
About Marriage
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ Husband: ‘Nothing. Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’ Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’ Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’ Wife: ‘Yes or no.’ Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’ Husband: ‘When there […]
A Nun and a Priest
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, father.” […]
Seven Dollar Sex
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he […]
I’ve Learned…
This is written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy . . . I’ve learned . . . That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I’ve learned . . . That when you’re in love, it […]
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes” WOMAN: “I am […]
In a Bar
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a […]
Moms in Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’ He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests […]
