Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall . ‘
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement .
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible .
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year .
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint .
– Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher .
– Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury .
– Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe .
– Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back .
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat .
– Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying .
– Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can’t buy you happiness. . . But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery .
– Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap .
– Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it .
– W . C . Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress .
– Will Rogers
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you .
– Winston Churchill
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. . . But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out .
– Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere .
– Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist’s diet: – If it tastes good, spit it out.
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